My 7 Secrets For a Fun, Healthy Relationship
There’s a reason why so many relationships fizzle out - it’s hard work sometimes! I’ve been married to my husband for almost nine years, but we’ve been dating for over 12 years. Yes, I said dating! Even though we’re married, we still date. (just a little bonus tip) [insert smiling emoji]. However, we still find ways to keep things fresh and exciting while still having the steady support we’ve felt for over a decade. As with most things, you get out what you put in and relationships are no exception.
Here are a few of my best tips to keep your relationship strong and happy!
1. Never stop doing the little things.
When you first start dating, you try to surprise each other and bring home their favorite things from the store. It makes you so happy just to make them smile. As relationships progress, many get caught up in the day-to-day and forget to keep going out of their way for each other. These don’t have to be overly grand gestures all the time, but even picking them up something they might like on your way home from work or send a note in their bag for the day. Show you care! When you take the time to do little things like these, you nourish your relationship from the inside out. In the end, the little things end up being some of the most important.
2. Communicate and do it in a disarming way.
Once something doesn’t feel right, bring it up. Plan out what you want to say and layout ways to say it without putting your partner on defense. A good way to do this is to switch “but” with “and”. For instance, instead of saying “You are always there for me, but you haven’t helped me around the house at all,'' try, “You’re always there for me and I wanted to talk to you about helping around the house more often.” Using the word “but” automatically negates the first thing you said and can cause tension in an otherwise calm conversation. Andrew and I also avoid using absolute terms like “always” and “never”. Using words like these can be really accusatory and can put your partner on defense, shutting down clear lines of communication. Communicate often in ways that are respectful and effective.
3. Plan out your time together.
We have a date night once a week. We intentionally schedule these nights ahead of time to make sure we plan around them. These nights are non-negotiable. They don’t have to be extravagant or expensive either. Do something different; go for a hike, rock climbing or to a museum. Even if you get away to a coffee shop for twenty minutes, this time makes all the difference. Andrew and I check in with each other on Sundays and compare our schedules for the upcoming week. Then we plan our date night for the week and trade-off who plans every other night out. I have a note on my phone where I write down ideas as they come to me, so on the nights I have to plan it isn’t stressful. It’s a super fun way to get excited and be creative in spending time together.
We also try to find time in the middle of the week for date nights. Having a fun night planned breaks up the week so we have something to look forward to. It also takes any additional stress out of the weekend. When Friday rolls around and we’re tired from a long week, there isn’t any pressure to go out and we can just relax together. This has been a game-changer for us!
4. Love yourself first.
I know, this cliche gets thrown around all the time. But, it’s the truth. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, it’s hard to be there for anyone else. Do your own self-care! So often people think of it as a long, full day but it can be as simple as taking a mindful 10-minute shower, meditation or even three long, slow deep breaths when you need a moment. Instead of seeing self-care as another thing to schedule, can you weave it into small moments throughout your day? Once you make the commitment to love yourself, you can love without judgment or resentment of your partner.
5. Value your partner’s needs and put them first - even when you don’t feel like it.
When Andrew and I work to put each other first, we find that our relationship feels solid and both of us reap the benefits. Even when it’s difficult, we tell each other what we need and do what we can to help. We’ve also found that if we put each other first, everything else seems to fall into place and our work lives and other relationships are better. In our household, it’s God first, then each other, then family, work, etc. Make a list of these priorities together and hold yourselves to them.
6. Kindness and empathy will get you everywhere.
Every relationship has ups and downs. It’s part of the journey and the commitment that makes it worthwhile. Remembering to be kind and compassionate towards your partner’s journey, even when you’re tired after a long day, will keep your relationship solid no matter what. When you show empathy and love through the good and the bad, you can withstand anything.
7. Use resources available to you.
Andrew and I have read books and watched movies about keeping our relationship strong. We took Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace course which helps with finances and giving. We also watched Fire Proof with Kirk Cameron. The message is so important and opened our eyes to the way we want to live as a couple. Always stay open to resources that can help you keep your connection strong and move through your lives together.
Your marriage can be as exciting and fresh as the day you said: “I do”! It just takes time, conscious effort and a willingness to learn as you progress.