I’m completely heartbroken and it is ok

Some times it feels like things can change in an instant. Even though I tried to prepare myself as much as possible for the worst I was hopeful and felt sure we had beat this thing. I was wrong. 

It has been a roller coaster ride the past seven months with my sweet pup, Bella. Of course the last 15 months have been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster ride for all of us with this whole pandemic. So that, with life in general, topped with a sick pup; it’s been RUFF. She was far more sick than we ever thought. Bella was unfortunately battling cancer. 

Long story short, I’ve had over 15 vet visits since last fall to figure out what was going on. She had great days and bad days and no one ever seemed to be able to figure out what was wrong and with Covid it is a whole new experience visiting emergency vets because you can’t go in with your animals. So instead I spent countless hours in the car worrying and waiting for an update on my Bella Bear. 

It wasn’t until Bella collapsed in late March and we almost lost her that we got some answers. She was bleeding in her abdomen and an ultrasound revealed she had a mass on her spleen. We were told it was cancer until proven otherwise. She had emergency splenectomy surgery where a mass the size of kiwi, which is large for a 13 pound dog, had attached itself to her spleen. Both were removed but we weren’t out of the dog house yet. Bella had to stay over night and be monitored for 3 nights to make sure everything went smoothly and that there were no post surgery complications. We brought her home and we waited. Within a week Bella was back to her normal self. Thank you God! 

It felt like a miracle. 

The biopsy report came back a week later and it was in fact CANCER, and not the good kind. Not that there is a good kind but this was blood tumor cancer called hemangiosarcoma. Our vet felt confident in the surgery but he said she could develop other tumors. We opted out of Chemo after all Bella (and us) had been through in the last 7 months. We decided we would just monitor her. I am still not sure if that was the right decision or not but at the time it felt right. 

Two months later the cancer was back and with a vengeance. Last week (May 24, 2021) Bella was sick again, by Tuesday we were having to rush her back to the emergency vet. The ultrasound revealed she had fluid in her abdomen again and there were several tumors in her abdomen. The fluid in the abdomen was drawn to reveal it was blood. There was nothing we could do. No chemo. No treatments. Nothing. We felt defeated. 

We asked the vet if she was in pain. The vet confirmed she wasn’t and we brought her home so we and others could come over and say their goodbyes. I spent two whole days with her, lounging, napping, snuggling, giving her anything and everything she wanted. She felt so alert and so with it I couldn’t imagine saying goodbye. 

On Thursday night I prayed to God that he would help me to do what was best for our sweet girl and that we would have a clear sign. Friday morning I woke up and Bella was different. She was breathing heavy, she kept getting up to nest and then she would collapse. She was having sudden burst of getting up and running to get water or running off to hide and she would just collapse. She was reclusive and she’s never reclusive. I knew it was time.

At 4:30 pm on May 28 we said goodbye to our sweet Bella. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. If you know me then you know this dog is my child. Sheesh, she acts just like me. 😍 She’s feisty, sassy, bossy, curious and loves people. She also had lashes that were to die for. We will miss everything about her. There is a void in our hearts and in our home. 

When we said our goodbyes Bella hugged me.

Bella Bear RIP. You are greatly missed. You will alway be in our hearts and never forgotten. We love you. 

So yes, as you can see we are heartbroken. I am heartbroken. I see my sweet girl in all sorts of places. I see her collar. I see her toys. I see her bed. I see where she would be lying on her pouf blending in (because they are both gray) . I see where she should be sitting on her perch (the expensive sofa she thought I bought for her) watching every animal that would go by our windows and longing to chase them. Basically she is still here. She is everywhere. 

So I will feel all the feels. I will look at all the pictures. I will lay on her spot on her perch and take in her smells. I will hold my other dog a little tighter because he is grieving too. I’ll let my heart slowly heal. I keep thinking it’s just a dream. I think one of the things thats gotten me through this is seeing the way she came out of that surgery. She fought damn hard and I got back the pup that stole my heart 9 years ago. I got to play with her like that, walk with her like that and snuggle with her like that. That is what is keeping me going. I will be ok. 💔

Here is a little video I put together of some of my favorite pics of my sweet girl.